


(Poison) Ivy

by manchester_macchiatos



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, 2012!Phan, Angst, Frank Ocean - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Ivy - Freeform, M/M, Song fic, Unhappy Ending, gotta love some sadness, lmao this is so sad what the fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 11:59:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manchester_macchiatos/pseuds/manchester_macchiatos
Summary: Some beds of roses also have thorns.(A song fic about 2012!phan based off 'Ivy' by Frank Ocean)





	(Poison) Ivy

He thought that he was dreaming when Dan said he loved him. A cold night in 2009. Wrapped under blankets and basked in moonlight flowing through Phil’s bedroom window. It was only a whisper. Phil would have asked him to say it again louder, but he didn’t in case he’d imagined it. The heat of Dan’s hand coming to rest on his arm as he leant in to kiss Phil removed that thought from his mind immediately.

  
The start of nothing. It wasn’t any different from usual. They’d kissed and hugged and fallen and never gotten back up again. Beds of roses and drowning in cloud nine. Stolen touches under the dining table and shared glances whilst brushing their teeth. Parents watching them both fall helplessly and dangerously in love. Too fast.

  
He had no chance to prepare. He couldn't see him coming. Nobody expects to find their love and future in mass of 1’s and 0’s and lines of html code in a never ending subspace of information. Phil didn’t expect to be hit by the storm. Usually it started off with cloud and a spattering of raindrops, hitting his nose and leaving wet freckles over his cheeks. Dan was a tornado, ripping Phil’s roof off and tearing apart every single memory he had of a life that didn’t include Dan.

  
The start of nothing new. It’s well known that every relationship has down days. Some have them more often than others. Dan and Phil had them every so often. It would start with a cupboard door being left open, and then proceed with Dan throwing Phil’s socks at him whilst editing. It was nothing new.  
 __  
“I could hate you now.” Dan said it often. He never really meant it. He didn’t think it to be possible.  
  
“It's quite alright to hate me now.” Phil would say, taking a sip of his coffee and looking over the rim at Dan with a smile. He knew it wasn’t possible.  
  
When they both know that deep down- the feeling still deep down- is good. Phil would pull off one sock and throw it at Dan. Dan would laugh and chuck it back at him. Phil would stand up and leave the other sock on the coffee table with a sly smirk, only to run down the hallway away from the half-assed insults Dan would throw at him.

 

\--   
_   
_ If Dan could see through walls, he could see Phil was faking. It only took him a few years to realise. Phil didn’t really love him. He knew he didn’t deserve what had been handed to him on a silver platter. So often he’d see comments fan would leave all over social media, talking about how much they loved Phil- how they’d treat him right. How Dan was just a lucky dickhead with a fiery temper and a lack of understanding.   
  
If you could see his thoughts you would see their faces. Haunting his every moment. Staring over him with red eyes and twisted smiles. Phil was amongst them. Pulling Dan along in his twisted game, trying to lure him into a false sense of security. Phil needed Dan for the branding, for a sidekick. He was really nothing more than that. Hadn’t been since 2009. __   
  
He didn't give a fuck back then. He believed in love. He believed there was hope. Phil was the living proof Dan needed that he had it in him not only to love but to be loved. But he was no longer tainted by those lies. He no longer saw the world through rose-tinted glasses. He saw what Phil was doing.   
  
He wasn’t a kid anymore. They'd never be those kids again. Dan had already talked himself into it. They were younger in 2009. Young and ready for a new life with new experiences with new people. They jumped into everything too fast. And now Dan was caught up in a relationship that only gave him feelings of hatred towards himself, and anger towards the other. Phil was staying and lying all for the sake of not ruining the branding. They were Dan and Phil, and it had to stay that way until there was a reason to cut ties.

  
No matter what he did, his waves wouldn't dip back then. A constant rising tide of emotions fueled by hope and security where there was none. Old habits became annoying hindrances. An open cabinet door was the entrance to another fight and a mirror of the door Dan would storm out of later. A sock left on the table was a landmine ready to blow them both to smithereens.

  
“Everything sucked back then!” Dan would yell at Phil, meeting his eyes across the room, telling him to stop lying to himself. Phil was still stuck in the past. Reminiscing on the ‘good old days’. Dan had accepted they never happened. Phil had learned more than just lying to others. He’d learned to lie to himself.   
  
“We were friends… maybe it should have stayed that way.”

 

\--   
  


In the halls of their hotel silence echoed. They’d stopped fighting. They’d stopped talking altogether. Trips for work were hell. They couldn’t afford separate rooms, so they resorted to having their backs facing one another in a queen sized bed. No skin touched. There wasn’t romance anymore. Romance was dead. Dan had given up. Phil didn’t quite understand how to.   
  
“You aren’t a kid anymore.” Phil whispered it into the dark room, and was met with only a scoff from the other side of the mattress. “Maybe it’s about time we both learned to face things like adults.”   
  
“We'll never be those kids again.” Dan rolled to face the ceiling. “But we sure as hell aren’t adults. We’re caught in the middle. Too young to talk it out and too old to fake it out.”   
  
“Don't you remember? It was so much better before all of this.” Phil rolled to face the ceiling as well. It was the closest they’d been to a conversation in a while. The closest they’d been physically in weeks. “What went wrong? Where did it begin?” Phil felt the movement of Dan shrugging, and chills went down his spine. “You’ve been a dick lately. Was it something I did? Or something else entirely. Talk to me, Dan.” He was met with cold silence for a few minutes. He was about to turn over and sleep when a gravelly voice cut through air.   
  
“I broke your heart last week.” Dan sounded choked up. “And the week before that. And that. The problem was I knew you’d be fine with it. Because you’re so good at lying to yourself- to me. You realise we’re not happy?” Phil was silent. “Don’t you?” Dan felt his entire face tingle from holding back tears. He wasn't sad. He was angry.   
  
“‘You'll probably feel better by the weekend.’ That’s what I told myself.” Dan continued, knowing Phil wouldn’t face the conversation. “And I was right. Because you’re gutless. You’re a fucking coward, Phil Lester. Do you have any idea how much I wish I could reverse time? How much I could feel whatever high I was feeling in 2009?”   
  
“I still remember.” Phil’s voice rung out, and Dan turned to face him. His face was partially illuminated by the moonlight. The same way it was all those years ago.   
  
“I had you going crazy.” He was smiling now. “Screaming my name with excitement on that train platform. You were unbelievable. Even more beautiful in person. Even funnier. You were… happy.” Phil paused, and his smile disappeared. “You were actually happy. And I swear for a moment I was too.”   
  
“The feeling deep down was good.” Dan spoke softly. His voice was pillows- ready to engulf Phil when he fell back on the bed of roses. It was clouds- just like the ones that suffocated Phil on on cloud nine. His words however, cut like glass. “It’s gone now.”

 

\--   
  
All the things Dan didn't mean to say- like “fuck you”. Or “I’m leaving”. Or “I don’t want to be in this charade with you any longer”. Or “I’m going to see other people”. Or “I love you”.   
  
All the things Dan didn't mean to do. Like drink until 3am. Throw things at walls. Rip up the stupid piece of paper they’d kept all those years, asking about cat whiskers and other irrelevant bullshit. Like the bullshit they lived off for 3 years when they thought they could find some semblance of happiness to keep their dying relationship alive.

  
There were things Phil didn't need to say. Like “just be happy”. Or “stop wallowing”. Or “stop making up problems in your head”. Though perhaps the worst thing he said was sent in a message at 2am, January 1st 2013. Their first new years alone.   
  
New Message from Phil Lester   
“I've been dreaming of you”   
  
New Message from Dan Howell   
“Dreaming… because reality wasn’t enough.”   
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> lmao oops  
> thanks to the discord server 'phannies uwu' and @peasanthowelll on tumblr for giving me EMOTIONS


End file.
